I Do Not Want Voices In My Head

Advertising that beams itself into my head? This isn't science fiction, folks.

New Yorker Alison Wilson was walking down Prince Street in SoHo last week when she heard a woman's voice right in her ear asking

Who's there? Who's there?

She looked around to find no one in her immediate surroundings. Then the voice said

It's not your imagination.

Advertising Age, a publication devoted apparently to publicising new and exciting ideas to the producers of obnoxious ads, goes on to suggest

So a customer, for example, looking to buy laundry detergent could suddenly hear the sound of gurgling water and thus feel compelled to buy Tide as a result of the sonic experience.

The first store that tries this, if I'm shopping there, gets one warning. Then, they'll either lose my business, immediately. Or maybe I'll return to the store later and spray paint warning signs on the floor, pointing out where the hot spots are, so everybody can steer clear.

Seriously.

When I go shopping, I'm looking at the merchandise, and trying to decide what I can afford. I don't need stores beaming ads into my head. TVs positioned in the supermarkets are bad enough.

HPGuru, at DSL Reports Forum, foresees a still more sinister use for this technology.

Wearers of tinfoil hats may become more socially acceptable, soon.

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Own A Home? Watch This One!

»http://www.youtube.com/v/JmJoyuUJj2Q
Keep those safety controls on your water heater well maintained, folks. No joke, here.

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Another Traffic Stop

»http://www.youtube.com/v/B8U1JRAJpr8

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Yumm

A delectable delite - containing 2 of the 3 Scottish food groups (Fat, and Sugar) - missing only the 3rd (Alcohol). Details at FXCuisine: Deep-Fried Cheeseburger.

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How Not To Conduct A Traffic Stop

»http://www.youtube.com/v/IMaMYL_shxc
This officer was lucky, in so many ways.


Until Utah authorities act more responsibly than recently, I now recommend avoidance of driving through Utah.

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That's A Fact, Jack

»http://www.youtube.com/v/RR-PFQWOJWQ

That's a fact, Jack.

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Happy Halloween

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Police Officers

How do you tell the difference between an American Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, and a Canadian Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

• Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
• Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
• Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
• Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
• Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
• Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
• Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
• Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
• Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
• Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
• Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
• Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
• Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?

Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER

Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (reload) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. (call for supervisor)

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Another Food Video

Yumm.



»http://www.youtube.com/v/ZfbTO0GlONU

I do love cooking, but I'm not sure whether I could do anything this tasty.

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Just Desserts For A Spoiled Brat

This is a bit long (OK, excruciatingly long), but worth it. We see the Judge lose her cool a couple times.



»http://www.youtube.com/v/g1Qp-hY_Zsk

He doesn't have to talk to you! You want to talk to somebody, you go to a psychiatrist!

»http://www.youtube.com/v/jxItxJJtShk

You go home, you call your therapist, and you say, "I had a bad day."!

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CoolWhip, Anybody?

»http://www.youtube.com/v/PcRF8HYvj2A
Yuck.

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Ouch

»http://www.youtube.com/v/1pM1j2d1RMU
Nuff said.

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Engineers 1, Laywers 0

Three lawyers and three systems engineers were traveling by train to the same conference in San Francisco.

Leaving from Sacramento, the lawyers each purchased a ticket, but the engineers purchased only a solitary ticket for the entire group. When asked why, one of the engineers replied

You'll see.

All six men boarded the train; the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers all crowded into a bathroom.

After the train left the station, the conductor came around and took the lawyers' tickets, then knocked on the bathroom door and said

Ticket, please!

An arm stretched out from the bathroom and the conductor took the ticket.

The lawyers were very impressed with the clever scam.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and purchased only one ticket to cover passage for all three men. To their amazement, the engineers did not purchase a ticket at all! When asked why, one of the engineers said

You'll see.

All six men boarded the train. The lawyers and engineers immediately crammed themselves into separate bathrooms to await the conductor.

After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerged from the bathroom, walked to the bathroom where the lawyers were, knocked on the door and said

Ticket, please!

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Duct Tape Again

Need to rob the liquor store, but don't have a stocking to shove over your face?

Don't worry - be creative. Wrap your head in duct tape.

Ouch.

>> Top

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Another Vegan Does YouTube

How insensitive.
»http://www.youtube.com/v/TStN_kRMnZY

Dead chicken walking.

LOL.

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Neighbours (Not The Ones That You Want)

These neighbours are rather camera shy. I can only show the area where I saw them last.



A relative of my neighbours.



Guess what's in the section of pipe?


The area outlined in red shows where I observed my neighbour's activities. The two gutter sections are connected by a 2" round pipe, which drains the left end of the upper gutter into the right end of the lower gutter.



This shows my front door, and the area where I have observed my neighbours activities, to the right. Picture my head, which just clears the top of the door, coming near the area outlined in red.


I foamed the right 1/2 of the front gutter last night, and activity was reduced by 75%. But even 25% activity is too much. I have been warned to avoid letting these neighbours get into my house.

So, it's back to Home Depot this evening, for a couple more cans of Spectracide Foam Wasp Killer.


Another view of the front door, and gutter.



The underside of the roof, with the gutter hanging from the 2 x 6 on the right. If the nest is in the lower gutter, or in the pipe, there's no danger of it expanding into an exterior wall. Now the upper gutter, that's another possibility.



The interior of the house. To the right is the wall space that the upper gutter adjoins on the outside. If there's ever any intrusion, it will probably be at the upper end of the wall to the right, at the far end.


(Edit 6/29): So last night, I sprayed another can of foam. 1/3 at the lower gutter, another 1/3 at the upper gutter, and the remaining amount around the top edge of the flat roof on the right. Hopefully, that will make them sick enough.


(Edit 7/4): Activity during the past week was pretty low, but several were noted yesterday. So last night I went to Wal*Mart,and there I found an amazing "SoapJet"

As seen on TV

It's a hose adapter for washing your car - you fill a reservoir with car wash detergent, and squirt soapy water as you wash. Acting upon a tip from another forum, I filled the reservoir with dishwashing detergent. Spraying good soapy water all over the roof, which drains through the nest area, destroys the waterproofing on the yellowjackets, and they drown. LOL.

So that's my 4th of July. Watering the roof with soap suds. I actually had one crawling around on the roof - unable to fly because the wings were full of water. And eventually drowned, when I blasted him.

Way more fun then squirting foam spray at $3 for a 2 minute blast. This is hours of fun. B-)

As scary as yellowjackets are, they don't hold a candle to the Japanese Hornet, or to 4 other insects that inhabit this planet. Warning - don't watch the videos in that article, unless you like being scared to death. Read the text first.

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Is Chocolate A Drug?

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.

"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend and need help quick!".

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then. Please hurry."

"Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then. I gotta go, for heavens sake hurry!"

The clerk thinks a bit, how to reason with her - and asks, "Listen, lady, please spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'." he says.

She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the 'FREAK' in 'chocolate'."

She starts yelling, "Why are you wasting my time? There's no 'freak' in chocolate!'

He replies, "That's what I just told you, twice."

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Robert Heinlein

One of my favourite authors (in general) and my favourite science fiction author (period) wrote

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

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What Gender Are Computers?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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Pet Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man ...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of crap, fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish!" replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employee.

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Bridges And Trolls

Long ago, way before the Internet, even before the automobile, the kingdoms of Europe were just recognising that a healthy economy depended upon the ability of the populace to travel. They built roads (dirt paths generally), and where the dirt paths crossed the mighty rivers, that were too broad and deep to wade through, they built bridges.

They didn't start out with any great budgets for maintaining anything, the roads and bridges were pretty much use at your own risk.

Some bridges were built, and financed by, the users. There might be a sign at the bridge.

Pay Toll

which meant that you the traveller, before or after crossing, were expected to contribute out of your pocket, to help pay for the bridge.

These Pay Toll bridges weren't always manned 7 x 24, sometimes payment would be on the honour system. Most people in those days were honourable, so toll collectors weren't always required. Some "collection stations" would be just a bucket besides the sign, and the travelers would drop coins into the bucket.

Occasionally, there would be dishonest individuals who found a way of collecting some easy cash. They would station themselves at a bridge, and when an unwary traveler approached, would show them the "Pay Toll" sign, and demand payment - which they, of course, would keep for themselves. To avoid legal complications, the "Pay Toll" sign was altered, to read "Pay Troll". A bridge with a "Pay Troll" sign became known as a Troll Bridge, and a "Troll Collector" was known, simply, as a troll.

The local and national governments soon realised that the "Troll Bridges" were money pits. They weren't getting any money, because the trolls were keeping it all for themselves. Eventually, they started financing bridges and roads out of the taxes collected from the citizens, and the roads and bridges became "free".

But still the trolls tried to extort money from the unwary travelers. The knowledgeable travelers would look at the troll and say "No, I paid for this bridge with my taxes.". So the trolls had to depend upon extorting money from the unwary and weak travelers, who were too naive, or physically unable, to resist the demands of the troll.

One day, some of the Knights of the Realm heard about the trolls, and made it a practice to assist the unwary and weak travelers. They would stare the trolls down, and send them scurrying under the bridge, to hide there until the Knight left the area.

Eventually, the trolls started staying under the bridges, and avoiding the confident and strong travelers, and the Knights. When an unsure or weak individual walked onto the bridge, and there was no Knight around, the troll would reach out and grab the victim by the ankles, dragging him / her under the bridge and robbing her / him.

And that's all that trolls are - people of low intelligence who prey upon the weak. In online discussions, they lurk in the discussion areas, and watch for anybody to make a mistake. When a person, trying to help or participate in a discussion, says something procedurally or technically wrong, the troll will jump on his / her victim and correct her / him. Generally, the correction process will be done rudely or sarcastically, in an attempt to rob the victim of dignity.

And that's an Internet troll. A rude creep who lurks under the bridge, and preys upon the weak. The same as a Bridge Troll, except it trolls from its own home.

---

This fable is dedicated to "Wasted" of long ago Blogger Help Group fame. For more about trolls, see Chucks Tech World: My First Troll Calling, and, Beer And Puke Rank.

---

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Captchas and Online Games

This is a pretty long video (50 some minutes), but it's worth the time to watch. It discusses these issues, and more.

• What is a Captcha, and why is it not the ultimate protection against automated attacks?
• Why do I see a Captcha sometimes, when I'm looking at pictures?
• Why are there so many free online games?
• How does Google Images get their pictures labeled so accurately?
• How do hackers and spammers setup multiple online accounts, using scripts, even with Captchas required by the online accounts?

Captchas and Online Games: Human Computation (Luis Von Ahn: July 26, 2006)

And here's a later story. The New Scientist: CAPTCHAs conquered?, or my mirror if the New Scientist web site is still slow responding. And an additional opinion: brains-N-brawn.

Having seen the video, and read the additional stories, answer the poll.

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Is Windows Vista Ready For Prime Time?

Not according to super nerd Chris Pirillo, of Lockergnome.
»http://www.youtube.com/v/HELrxLdP85c

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Eating Pot Will Make You Really, Really, Really, Really Stupid

• Stupid enough to call the cops.
• Even if you are a police officer.
• Even if the pot that you ate came from your police car, after it was confiscated in a drug raid.

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrZLc9lqQM0


»www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vKEWH-v6k8

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Parse This - If You Can

One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.

A herald announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line.

The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging."

"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."

"I don't believe you."

"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"

"But that would make it the truth!"

"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."

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Lyndon Johnson

A former President of the USA (who got into office thanks to an assassin), said of J Edgar Hoover:

It’s probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in.

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They Pay This Guy?

The New York Times used to be a respected pillar of journalism. Oh well, cancel my subscription.
»http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lZbF4r9wz4


I write a lot about the limitations of 802.11n and MIMO, but this guy is off the wall. Tune in next week, when he reviews mouse pads. Much more his style, I think.

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Don't Try To Please Everybody

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said

You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said

See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other

Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said

Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey. Making it carry both you, and your hulking son, is cruel!

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle, all three fell from the bridge into the river, and drowned.

You can please some of the people all of the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you just can't please all of the people all of the time.

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First YouTube, Now UStream

A website lets you present yourself on the Internet, in text and pictures. I have a few of those. Neat, but so 1990's.

Along came YouTube.

1. Upload the video to YouTube.
2. Find the "<Embed> ... </Embed>" code for the uploaded video, and copy it.
3. Paste the copied code into your blog.

Everybody is into YouTube. Boring. Now, we have UStream.

1. Provide a connection to your computer, to UStream.
2. Find the "<Embed> ... </Embed>" code for the live connection, and copy it.
3. Paste the copied code into your blog.

Now you can broadcast yourself live. Shades of The Truman Show.

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If Unix Provided Airline Service

All of the passengers bring a piece of the airplane, and a box of tools, with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.

Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name.

Some passengers actually reach their destinations.

All passengers believe they got there.

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Philadelphia #2

Team owner Jeffery Lurie had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and finally hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I've got to get this guy!"

Lurie said to himself "He has the perfect arm!"

He brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ...sure enough the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl (OK, This Didn't Really happen!). The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom,"he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl. "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.You are not my son." "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia !"

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What Would You Do?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her terms first.

The old witch stated she wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked, and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, & made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, stealing himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during ! the day ....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is hidden. But - make your choice before peeking. To see the answer, highlight the area indicated, by clicking the mouse and dragging the cursor between the arrows.

The answer is here ==>Noble Lancelot said that he would allow her to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.<==

Now - what is the moral to this story? To see the answer, highlight the area indicated.

The answer is here ==>If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.<==

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Digital Cameras And Durability

Next to the cell phone, the digital camera has to be one of the most fascinating inventions of the last 10 years. In the same category as the microwave oven.

Only those who have ever used an analog chemical film camera can truly appreciate how great it is to take a picture, and see what you've taken within seconds. Not to mention being able to immediately upload it to the Internet, and to this blog. And of course $2.00 or so for a pair of batteries that give you 100 photos or so, as opposed to $10 / 24 film photos ($5 for the film, another $5 for the film processing).

All in all, digital cameras totally rock.

So how durable is a digital camera? Newspaper photographer Don Frazier found out the answer to this question recently.

>> Blast Destroys Camera, Flash Card Survives

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Of Imagination And Driving Tests

State Of California - Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shite faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

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RIAA

I thought that extortion was illegal in this country. Whatever happened to the concept of due process of law?

>> RIAA Do It Yourself Court System

This is totally out of control.

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Squirrel Removal

(Notice I have no idea if any squirrels were harmed during the making of this video).
»http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f5d_1172741350
But who cares?

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To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again

she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked

Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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Of History And Beer

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent the days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MO RE for nothing.

This ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals just to tick them off.

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Be Proud If You're Texan

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:

British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

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An Elephant's Memory

A Touching Story.....

In 1986, Mkele Mkembe, a foreign exchange student at Yale, was on holiday in Kenya.

On hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, made his way into the enclosure, and stood right up against the fencing.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around Mbembe's head, lifted him up over the enclosure and slammed him against the railing. The elephant then stomped him several times crushing the poor bugger to death.

Apparently not the same elephant.

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British TV Takes On Alabama USA

This is what the Brits think of the SouthEast USA...
»http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6MJVzXbqRU

Dunno what Top Gear is, but I will surely check it out if I get a chance.

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Fear This Hacker - - If You're An Idiot

I fear for the life of my keyboard ("C&C")...
»http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1zhRvaBSCM

Please learn and practice Layered Security - you don't want this super hacker 0wning your puter. LOL.

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Stop, Drop, And Roll

I fear for the future of this country...
»http://www.gofish.com:80/player.gfp?gfid=30-1074026

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Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The Lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Saddam Hussein's Cat

... Just hanging around


It couldn't have happened to a nicer dictator.

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Free Speech Isn't Always Free

This is the United States of America.

One of the foundations of this country is our right to free speech. Now, that doesn't mean that we are free to say just anything. We may not mention our intention to kill the President of the country. We may not instruct each other on the manufacture of some dangerous weapons. But short of certain specific subjects, we are free to speak our minds.

Now, free speech is not completely free. If I speak my mind, you have a right to ignore me. That's a risk that I take, when I write this.

But if I have the guts to speak my mind, you have no right to sue me for doing so. Because I am exercising my right to free speech.

Not so, said the City Of Philadelphia last year, to Joey Vento, owner of Geno's Steaks. Joey, in a mistaken fit of patriotism, had the guts to put signs in his restaurant.

This is AMERICA ... WHEN ORDERING SPEAK ENGLISH.

The City Of Philadelphia filed a discrimination complaint over the signs.

They spent his tax dollars, to tell him that he has no right to exercise his right to free speech. He has to spend his money to defend himself, against people using his tax dollars to attack him.

Anybody who isn't comfortable with the signs is perfectly entitled to shop elsewhere. That's a risk that Joey took. Loss of patronage is a legitimate risk, to a small business owner.

A lawsuit, by the city, using his tax dollars, shouldn't be.

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More Bumper Cars

If you wonder what happened to the fire truck, in the previous video.

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9tKWzxS···&search=

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Can't Speak l33t?

Try the leet transl8r.

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Why I Prefer To Live In California

Black Ice!

»www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5acmmrssgE

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Computer Hacking - My Early Years

To round out this twisted collection of ramblings, here's a long, involved tale of my early years, and my career as a computer hacker.

OK, it seemed important at the time.

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