Tech Support - College Style - The Full Story

Hello Tech Support - may I help you?

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word processor program.

[Instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

What sort of trouble, Dr. B?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

And it went rapidly downhill, from there.


Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Are you still in the word processor, or did you close the window?

How do I tell?

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?

What's a sea-prompt?

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.]

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

What's a monitor?

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

I don't know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

[sound of rustling and jostling]

[muffled] Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

[pause] Yes, it is.

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

[rustle rustle]

[muffled] Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

[still muffled] I can't reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

[clear again] No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.

Dark?

Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I can't.

No? Why not?

Because there's a power outage.

A p--!

[ARGH!]

This woman was good friends with my supervisor, who was also a professor (still is, matter of fact--and in addition, she's now also my wife), so I couldn't deal with her the way I really wanted to, and was forced to explain sweetly and gently to her that computers needed power just like office lights, and if the office lights were out, then the computer was too, and that yes, if she hadn't saved her work she had probably lost everything she'd done so far in the document. But I could still fantasize.

A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!

[slam]

But that wouldn't have been a very nice thing to do, now would it?

---

Now having posted this, I should point out several details, which you will need to know if you are reading this any time after 2005. Details are to be written. And I will give credit to this narrative, as the inspiration, to Simon Travaglia, the author of The Bastard Operator From Hell.

---

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Such A Neat Way To Get Readers? Not!

In another way to convince me to never read your blog or website, we see "Viral Lock - Like, Google+1 or Tweet to Unlock", the latest third party viral WordPress accessory.

For a fee (you pay CodeCanyon, for this privilege), you can designate a portion of your WordPress blog as protected access.

Simply wrap the content you want to protect with the [viral-lock] shortcode and the content will be protected until the users shares your page.

Your reader gets to read your wisdom, only after they vote for it - sight unseen - using Facebook, Google, or Twitter.

Another reason to avoid WordPress. This is a type of spam.

More likes and tweets = More money for you.

Riight.

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The Trifecta, Of My SciFi Library

Now, all gone.

Isaac Asimov - 1992.

Ray Bradbury - 2012.

Robert Heinlein - 1988.

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Hummingbird

The media are constantly pounding us with stories about the South American Rain Forest - whether it's the ecological disasters that are happening, or the indigenous people there (making most of us think of uneducated "savages").

Lou Gold spends his life traveling through rural Brasil, and taking pictures of the country, and the people. Nowhere in his blog, that I've found, does he talk about "The Rain Forest", "savages", or the "tribal natives". He just shows you the country, and the people. You get to realise on your own, that this is the "Rain Forest", and the people there.

»http://www.youtube.com/v/fGybpOizmSU

»VisionShare: FLIGHT OF THE FLOWER-KISSER

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Microsoft Windows And Zen Based Error Reporting

Legend has it that some computers in Japan are running a Zen like error reporting program, which issues error messages in Haiku.

• The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
• Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
• Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
• Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
• Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
• Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
• Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
• A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
• Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
• You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
• Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
• Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
• Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
• Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Manpower Optimisation - Not

Last week, I went to a new restaurant, where they use real plates and metal cutlery. I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, we noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. When I looked around, I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would have said.

A little later on, the owner visited our table as he made the rounds of his patrons.

"Why the spoons?" I asked when we'd shaken hands.

"Well," he replied, "we hired a consultant to revamp all our processes. It was a fascinating exercise! Do you know that, after several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. They showed us that it represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If we were better prepared, we could reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen to replace spoons, saving 15 man-hours per shift!"

His logic was incredible. How simple! Carry the cutlery with you rather than going back to the kitchen. Yet I'd never seen this solution in any restaurant I'd visited. Manpower optimisation, at its simplest.

While eating dessert, I dropped my spoon. The waiter immediately replaced it with his spare.

"Sir, please accept this spoon. I'll get another the next time I go to the kitchen, thereby..." he thought hard, searching for the right word, "...enabling you to better enjoy your dessert."

I was impressed - he'd obviously been prepared with a script but it still felt great - great service! I ate my dessert, happily.

Looking around while eating, I noticed a string hanging out the waiter's fly. A quick scan of the restaurant confirmed that all the waiters also had strings, hanging from their zippers.

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" I asked the waiter as he was about to leave our table. "Oh, certainly! Well done sir! Not everyone is so observant." He beamed at my discovery then, leaning forward conspiratorially, he lowered his voice.

"We recently had some consultants come in," he said, "they were the ones who told us about the spoons. But they also worked out out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of my member, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This reduces the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent!"

"That's amazing," I said, "but after you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"They're still studying that question," he replied, "So I use the spoon."

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Tech Support - College Style

Hello Tech Support - may I help you?

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word processor program.

[Instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

What sort of trouble, Dr. B?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

And it went rapidly downhill, from there.

(See The Full Story, if you wish - since the Jump Break below may not work).
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