Automotive Driving And Surrealistic Experiences

Sometimes, driving your car leads to surrealistic, almost deja vu, experiences.

Has this ever happened to you?

• You're driving along, anticipating turning at the next intersection. Is it time to activate the turn signal? Shall I activate the turn signal here?

  Nah, don't bother. Nobody ever signals when turning here.

• You're driving along, anticipating turning at the next intersection. Is it time to activate the turn signal? Shall I activate the turn signal here?

  Yes, this would be a good time to signal. I saw somebody else signal, at this very spot, last week.

• You're driving along, anticipating turning at the next intersection. Is it time to activate the turn signal? Shall I activate the turn signal here?

  Yes, this would be a good time to signal. I saw a cop sitting nearby last week.

• Here's a strange one. You're sitting at an intersection, waiting for your turn to procede. You're using your turn signal. You look at the car in front of you (you glance in the mirror at the car behind you, whatever...). Suddenly you see it.

  The other guy is signaling, too.

• Here's a rare one. Maybe you've seen this. Heavy traffic. Someone uses his turn signal, only planning a lane change where some other car is present. The driver of the other car warns the first driver off, using his horn.

  A traffic collision is prevented.

• Maybe you've followed a cop thru traffic, and observed that he doesn't use his signal where he should.

  What's up with that?

If you know why I'm writing this, then I may be writing for you. If you haven't a clue, then I am definitely writing this for you.

Get a clue.

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Duct Tape

Duct tape, the universal holder, is 1/3 of the pluggers tool kit.

1. Duct Tape.
2. Vice Grips.
3. WD-40.

If it moves and shouldn't, use #1. If it won't move and should, use #3. In either case, use #2 as necessary.

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Troubleshooting Techniques

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes on the car gave out. They rolled down the mountain out of control, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks.

They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it into town, and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

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Never Argue With A Woman...

... Who Reads

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Join The Democratic Party

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then-- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step............ I joined the Democratic Party.

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