Nice Bit Of Trance

If you've ever installed Windows XP, and enjoyed the deep mellow trance audio track that plays when the installation is complete, maybe you've wondered how to find it later.

I have. Never found it, though. Until today, courtesy of Nick ADSL UK at DSL Reports Forums. It's over 5 minutes of really mellow trance, and it loops pretty cleanly too.

C:\WINDOWS\system 32\oobe\images\title.wma

Enjoy!

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Test Your Memory

Just the thing to forceably clear away cobwebs from your holiday partying.

The Short Term Memory Checker

Simple to learn, impossible to play long, impossible to stop playing.

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Jesus Vs Satan

One day the devil got his new laptop, and decided to drop in on Jesus.

As they talked they started arguing about who was the best on the computer.

They argued for a while and then decided that they would just have a competition to see who was the best, so they setup a LAN party.

They both sat down at their computers, and started working.

They did spread sheets, typing, programming, web design, surfing the web, playing games, and more!

All of a sudden there was a flash of lightning and the power went out!

The power came back on, and both computers restarted. The devil started screaming, cursing, and throwing a fit because all of the work he had done over the last few hours had been lost!

The devil looked over at Jesus and saw him sitting calmly smiling and printing his work.

The devil screamed

You must be cheating! - - How can you be printing your work when we just lost all of it???

Jesus just shrugged and said

It's easy........Jesus Saves

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New Government Program Ends Job Discrimination

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,

said California Senator Barbara Boxer

We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as

Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?

As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,

said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty tightey, lefty loosey.

This new law should be real good for people like me,

Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL)

As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.

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How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

Someone may steal from it at night.

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said

How does the watchman do his job without instruction?

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said

How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said

How are these people going to get paid?

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said

Who will be accountable for all of these people?

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said

We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.

So they laid off the night watchman.

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Evil Car, Or Evil Owner?

»http://www.youtube.com/v/eyYtld1vEY8
This is a bit much.

I wonder how much it costs to clean cats blood all out of the interior of the car? And finding the head sitting on the passengers seat wouldn't be all that kewl either.

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My Car, Your Cat, A Bath For Your Cat

»http://www.youtube.com/v/_CMvfov89Rk
It's my car, I didn't buy it to make a napping spot for cats.

Keep your cat in your house, not on my car, and he'll do fine.

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Favourite Help Desk Calls #1

I noticed this speck on my screen. What could it be?

Could be a fly speck.

No, I have no flies. Anyone else?

There are flies everywhere. Might be dirt.

I dust once a day. No dirt, no flies. Does anyone know?

I had a dead pixel once that looked like a speck on the screen.

I know what a dead pixel is. I need helpful replies.

On further testing, I see that flies are indigenous to this area even though I've never seen one. How would I know if it's a fly speck?

Wipe it off.

If I do that, how will I know what it is or how to keep it from coming back?

I say dead pixel.

I'm putting you on ignore. Anyone? It should also be noted that I have another screen - same make and model - and there is no speck on it. Is that a clue?

What O/S are you using?

Why does that matter?

It might be a video driver bug.

No, because the other system has the same video card and, as I clearly stated, no specks.

... and ad infinitum.

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PETA to Ben and Jerry's: Breast Is Best!

People For Ethical Treatment For Animals urged ice cream maker Ben and Jerry's to serve ice cream made from human breast milk.

Using cow's milk for their ice cream is a hazard to consumers' health. Even Dr. Spock spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in the onset of anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and, in the long term, can set kids up for a lifetime of obesity and heart disease (America's number one cause of death).

and

We here at PETA would be super-stoked if your ice cream went vegan … we'd buy it by the truckload!

Right.

Do these folks eat illegal brownies or something? What volume of milk does Ben and Jerry's use?

Where does PETA get its funds?

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The System Is Down

In honor of Blogger and the recent status of my Home Web Site, Nitecruzr Dot Net

Not Found

Error 404

and

Forbidden

Error 403

I give you the web's favourite off the wall toon, HomeStarRunner, in The System Is Down.

We've got our top man working on it, round the clock.

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The Roadway Is Not Your Private Amusement Park

»http://www.youtube.com/v/JYqpGxsppPc
If you're going to drive an unsafely equipped vehicle on a public road, don't get angry at other traffic and expect them to stay out of your way. Being able to brake, to avoid a collision, is a necessity. Skateboarding isn't a crime, but it doesn't entitle you to take over the roadway, unsafely.

The roadways are not a place for coasting downhill, without brakes. When you're in traffic, you are expected to control your vehicle.

Also, you have to know where you are, and what dangers are ahead. The skateboarder in front crashed several feet from a T intersection with a trafficked cross street, rather than blow through the stop sign. Then his friend, with the camera that survived, tried to blame the driver of the truck for slowing down before approaching the intersection.

This, too, shows us Darwin's Law in Action.

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Another Case For Gun Control

Only in California.

A Mendocino County woman who was trying to kill mice in her trailer with a gun ended up shooting herself and another person. The mice escaped the shooting unharmed.

»http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,378142,00.html

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Tech Support - Canadian Style

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent:

Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller:

Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent:

Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause):

Well, that’s not working for me.

Agent:

Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller:

Yes, I sure do.

Agent:

OK, now press Control-A.

Caller:

I am, but nothing happens.

Agent:

The text isn’t highlighted?

Caller:

No, there’s no change at all.

Agent:

That’s odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point):

Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?

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Beer, Ethnic Attitude, and Frugality

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub together. They each get a pint of beer, and go sit down in the garden (that's outdoor seating, to us Yanks).

Just as they prepare to enjoy their beer, a cloud of flies swarm, and 3 flies land in the beer - one fly in each glass.

The Englishman looks at his beer in horror, pours it on the ground, and goes to get another - in a clean glass.

The Irishman fishes the fly out of his pint, flicks it at the Scotsman, and starts to drink.

The Scotsman grabs the fly in mid air, takes it and the one from his glass, and holds them both in the air above the beer.

Spit! Spit it out, ya wee bastards!

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Tech Support

Hey, Chuck, what does this mess have to do with Tech Support?? The answer is here ==>This is India. It's where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer.<==
To see the answer, highlight the area indicated.

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Home Repair & Improvement For Dummies

This is not how you install cable in your home.

Patsy D. Long, 34, was ... shot by her husband Ronald Long outside their home just after 6 p.m., while she was assisting him with the installation of a satellite television system, according to a written statement by the Sheriff’s Department.

Ronald Long, 39, of 956 SE 1121, Deepwater, told deputies he had made several attempts to punch a hole through the exterior wall of the house, according to the report. When that did not work, Long told deputies he used a .22-caliber handgun to shoot through the wall from inside the home.

»http://www.sedaliademocrat.com/news/henry_7329___article.html/woman_county.html

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Things That Make You Say "Owwwww!"

»http://www.youtube.com/v/20qB1dXAM78
I'd be wearing a cup after seeing this one!

Those are the moments that change your life, if you're a man!

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Things That Make You Say "Oh F***"

For those of you who don't speak the Queen's English, you may not know that we Americans refer to a "hoover" as a vacuum cleaner.

Regardless, you do not use a hoover to remove a live wasp nest. Particularly at night.

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Darwin Award Candidates

What can I say here, that the picture doesn't say?

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